Famous Quotes about
Lawyers:
--- A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even
tell the truth.
--- Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it.
--- A man is innocent until proven broke.
--- Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a
bad name?
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Q: What should you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What do you have if there are three lawyers are buried up to their
necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent
flyer miles.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three - one to turn
the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to
sue the ladder company.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a septic tank?
A: The tank
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: When you see his lips
move.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road
and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in
front of the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: No one cries when you cut
up a lawyer.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Just one, but you have to slice
him very thin.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a copy of the Globe and
Mail?
A: $1.25 on week days and $1.75 on
week ends.
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Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly
discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I just discovered that my client still has $5,000 left."
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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his
shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused
payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the
barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
******************************************************* Not All Lawyers Are Thieves
A group of supper guests
were blaming all of the country's troubles on lawyers when a woman
said, “They aren’t all so bad. Last year a lawyer gave me $1,000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the
host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,”
said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with
the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the
appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted
to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
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Taking his seat in chambers,
the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "I have been presented by both of
you with a bribe," the judge bagan. Both lawyers squirmed
uncomfortably. "You, Lawyer Jones, gave me $15,000. And you, lawyer
Smith, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached in his
pocket a pulled out $5,000 which he handed to Jones. "Now, then, I'm
returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its
merits."